The Courage to Eat Mindfully & Finding Food Freedom

Living in a diet culture society and growing up in a home that was very much based around “dieting”. My mind was easily consumed by always trying to be fit and have what I envisioned as the perfect body. My battle with anorexia/bulimia had me so controlled over food restriction and fear for years, literally more than half of my life!

When I started my wellness journey I knew I had to change how I looked at food. I had to change my mindset to eat “mindfully”. Because my relationship with food was very toxic.

So, now what.. eating mindfully? To me.. eating mindfully was being able to learn to embrace the food I was eating as fuel. And to stop depriving my body of essential nutrients it needs to survive. And honestly, I was really tired of counting calories and measuring my food!! I also had to stop consuming foods that didn’t make me feel good about eating them. I mentioned in a post on my Instagram recently about over coming my fear of eating ice cream. I stopped eating ice cream, because it didn’t make me feel good about eating it. I felt shame and guilt therefore, this feeling would trigger my bulimia habits and often would result in a relapse. Being mindful for me, was to take that food out of my life, until I found myself in a place where I could enjoy it and savor it in a way that didn’t make me feel guilty.

This brings me to what was the most important place in my journey.  I had to really dig deep into my heart about how I talked about food! So, when it came to something special such as pizza, French fries, a glass of wine, half of a watermelon - I couldn’t call these cheat meals. Because when we use the word “cheat”, we evoke the feelings of shame and guilt about what we are eating. So I found it to be the absolute most important for me is to be mindful of how much I had and how often I was consuming my special foods. And to choose foods that made me feel good and/or brought me joy.

Disordered eating for me was a lot about control.. I controlled what I ate, what I didn’t and what came back up. That control was addictive.

I had to let GO!!! I had to let go of the fear and control.

Absolutely none of this was “easy” it was a lot of vulnerable hard work, but it was worth it! There is a painful stigma behind eating disorders. And it is difficult to talk about it and share it with the fear of being judged.

I recently noticed in my ability to eat foods that had control of my thoughts and fears, I could eat them mindfully. My body is healing, I have gained weight- I’ve embraced it. I still exercise A LOT, I also take A LOT of rest days. I embrace my body for what it is and what it is capable of, therefore I nourish and respect my body daily!

I slowly I gained food freedom. So can you!!

I am no longer a “dieter”, I have a “diet” that fuels my body!