Letting go of what is not yours - 2019
With 2020 in sight, I have been thinking a lot about what I would like to let go from this decade, as my husband and I approach our 3rd anniversary, and with much pressure from family who has not seen all of our wedding photos. I spent a lot of time thinking about why I haven’t shared them and the meaning for me to do so. At this point for me, it isn’t about sharing them it’s about sharing my story and allowing myself to let go of something I had no control of. My wedding was a complete fucking shit show. I held a ton of resentment about this-In many ways….
And it is time for me to let these emotions go as they were never mine to hold. And I have held on to them in silence for way too long, afraid to stir the pot. Afraid I would hurt the people who hurt me (it’s fucked up I know). Mostly, I had been afraid of anything of conflict for most of my life. As when I have spoken up, my life seems to spiral. I always thought this was bad, however in the last 8 months I have realized with help of other strong bad ass women this is essential for my quality of life. It seems to spiral because me being myself often makes others uncomfortable because they have to face who they are. It’s deep right?
I was never a woman who had these big dreams about a wedding.. These feelings are still something I am trying to understand, not because I am dwelling on them but because understanding who I am … makes me a better person for myself. I grew up in a beautiful family, yet there was a constant fight for attention between my siblings. And at some point, I found myself just giving in. In fact, last year I finally gave in completely and walked away.
My wedding; the planning was chaos. I had one dream (one very small one) and that was to get married on a hill side in Mexico at a beautiful restaurant overlooking the Ocean. This dream was quickly crushed by my sister stomping her feet that she couldn’t and would not go. I gave in, I also gave in to many other ideas I had. My then fiancé (now hubs) and I agreed on a beautiful spot in Idaho. It was a completely fast paced planned wedding and we knew that. In fact, I think we both look back and say, we should have just eloped. I do believe we spent the first year of our marriage struggling with these emotions.
I started to share more situations that happened and realized they don’t matter. The ability to show up for other people- that is what mattered. That’s what I held in.
From one sibling who wouldn’t come to our wedding because she didn’t have enough to wear, to the other who couldn’t go out with me the night before my wedding because she had to get up and go to CrossFit in the morning of my wedding. The sister who got angry at me the night after my wedding, threw a fit and to leave the next morning and for us to this day to not speak again. My wedding reception, where these ladies would continue on these acts of selfishness. From one not doing anything she had said she would do to help me, to the other who had to go shopping and couldn’t help out. I didn’t want a big wedding with bells and whistles, I was fine for it to be me and Chris. What we did wrong was not honor what we wanted. In my opinion weddings are often (not always) about everyone else besides you. In my case, this is 100% true. The worst part was losing my sister over it. She did some pretty confusing things and it has made the last 3 years very much so challenging. As I try to cope and understand, I can’t. Because I would give anything for things to had been different and to be different. But they aren’t. So, truth be told. I never showed most of our wedding photos because I was ashamed of how small it was. I was ashamed for who didn’t show up. Ashamed of the shitty photos at the reception. These ARE NOT my feelings to hold. What I am finding is that it is common for an empath especially an empath who is a peacemaker to not share their feelings in fear of upsetting others.
My sister was not afraid to share on social media the day of my brothers wedding that she finally got a best friend as a sister. I don’t even think she thought twice about sharing those words with the world. Not even considering how they would make me feel and what that would do to me.
Again- I held onto these emotions of shame and resentment like they were mine. In fact they weren’t.
Me sharing these bits of my story is for no one but myself. As I walk into 2020, I want to be free of these feelings as it is time for someone else to hold them.
2020 is about me letting go of things that I can’t or couldn’t control. And I will be talking about things that will make some uncomfortable, I might ruffle feathers, but damn I am tired of not being myself in fear of upsetting others.
With love,
Amanda
